83 Funny Turtle Jokes and Turtle Puns to Print for Laughs

They may be slow, but turtles bring kids enormous fun and laughter. Let’s add the funny turtle jokes and turtle puns to why they love turtles.

These jokes and puns will make you and the kids feel shell-arious.

For more joke fun, check out our chicken jokes, dog jokes, shark jokes, bear jokes, pet jokes, frog puns, and animal jokes.

Printable Jokes about Turtles

Print these funny turtle jokes and use them in the lunch box. Or, even better, take them along on your next aquarium trip.

Click here to get your printable jokes.

Funny Turtle Jokes for Kids

Bring these funny turtle jokes with you on your next aquarium visit.

• What do you call a turtle chef? – A slow cooker.
• What kind of jokes do turtles tell? – Shell-larious ones.
• What do turtles use to communicate? – A shell-phone.
• What type of photos does a turtle love to take? – Shellfies.
• What does a turtle need to ride a bike? – A shell-met.
• Why did the turtle cross the road? – To get to the shell station.
• Why can’t a tortoise eat McDonald’s food? – Because it is too slow for fast food!
• What do you call a lesson on turtles? – A turtorial.
• What happens when your kids want to buy a tortoise? –  You shell out a lot of money.
• What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a tortoise? – A slow poke.
• What do you call a turtle who takes up photography? – A snapping turtle.
• What do you get if you cross a tortoise, a giraffe, and a kangaroo? – A turtleneck jumper.
• What is a turtle’s favorite kind of sweater? – A turtle neck.
• Why do turtles never forget? – Because they have turtle recall.
• What did the snail say as it rode on the turtle’s back? – WEEEEEEEEE!
• Where do you find a leg-less turtle? – Wherever you left it.
• What do you call a flying turtle? – A shellacopter.
• Why do Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hate office work? – Because they can’t stand The Shredder.
• Where do you send turtles who commit crimes? – To the shell block.
• What does a turtle need to ride a bike? A shell-met.
• Why is turtle wax so expensive? – Because they only have little ears.
• What did the cow say to the turtle? – Get a mooove on.
• What do you call turtles who are only awake during the nighttime? – Noc-turtles.
• Why are turtles always shopping? – They like to shell out.
• What did Jesus say to the Turtle? – Shellom Happy Easter!
• What’s green and goes click click click? – A ballpoint turtle.
• Did you hear about the self-help book written by a turtle? – It was a New York Times’ Best Sheller!

• What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins? – A turtle disaster.
• How did the musician turtle get off his back? – He rocked, and he rolled.
• What do you call a turtle with diarrhea? – A turdle
• What did the turtle say when the frog jumped out from behind a bush? – “Oh, you sturtled me!”
• What do you call a famous turtle? A shell-ebrity.
• What’s a sea turtle’s favorite Shakespearean line? – “Shell I compare thee to a summer’s day?”
• What do sea turtles use for money? – Sand dollars.
• How do you make a turtle fast? – Don’t feed it.
• What happens if you get into a fight with one of the famous Ninja Turtles? – You get shell shocked.
• Where did the turtles first encounter the Evil Leatherhead? – In the alley-gator.
• What is the first thing that parent lobsters teach their children? – To not allow a turtle stranger in their homes.
• What does a turtle dictator run? – A cruel turtle-itarian regime.
• What did turtle say to the taco? – My shell or yours?
• Where do mud turtles keep their money? – In the riverbank.
• What kind of jokes do turtles tell? – Shell-larious ones.
• What kind of photos does a turtle take? – Shellfies.
• What do you get when you cross a turtle and a llama? – A turtle-neck sweater.
• Why didn’t Shell City have any rules? – Because it was turtlely extreme.
• Why did Shredder have a shower before leaving the turtles lair? – Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
• Why was the little boy too scared to reach into his Happy Meal for the Ninja Turtles toy? – Last time he did it, he got a Splinter.
• What does a turtle eat when he’s on a diet? – Torto-llini.
• What happens to a turtle when it dies? – It goes into riga-tortoise.
• What do you call a sea turtle that flies? – A shell-icopter!
• Why did the turtle go to AT&T? – Because he couldn’t sprint.
• What’s the Ninja Turtles favorite brand of saki? -Oroku, because it shreds.
• How do you make a turtle fast? -Don’t feed it.
• What do you call a Turtle that does yoga? – Wakka Wakka U?
• What will you call a tortoise if ever see him carrying a hammer? Thortoise.
• What will you call a chef who cooks very slowly? – Tortoise chef.
• What happens when you cross a pig with a tortoise? – You end up with a slowpork.
• What will call a Indian wrap with some tortoise meat inside it? – Tortilla wrap.
• What could you find in the pond behind Norman Rockwell’s house? – Painted Turtles.
• What is the result of crossing a dragon with a turtle? – You get a crushed turtle in the process.
• What is the name given to a sweet turtle? – Donute-ello.
• What did the turtle say to the snail when he offered him a ride? – “No thanks, I’m a shellfish.”
• Which extinct turtle was discovered in the La Brea Pit? – The Tar-tle.
• What did the turtle say when he lost his shell? – I’m naked!
• What do you get when you cross a turtle with an igloo? – A tort-ice.

Knock, Knock Turtle Jokes

If you like these, you’ll love the best knock, knock jokes for kids.

• Knock, knock. Who’s there? Candice. Candice who? Candice turtle walk any faster?
• Knock, knock. Who’s there? Eddie. Eddie who? Eddie body home in that turtle shell?
• Knock, knock. Who’s there? Noah. Noah, who? Noah good joke about turtles? 
• Knock, knock. Who is there? Boo. Boo Who? Don’t cry! We have the best turtle jokes.
• Knock, Knock. Who’s there? June. June who? June know any good turtle knock knock jokes?
• Knock, knock. Who’s there? Canoe. Canoe who? Canoe spell turtle? 
• Knock, knock! Who’s there? You. You who? You see a turtle go by?

Sea Turtle Jokes

• What kind of turtles are the easiest to find? -Green “see” turtles.
• What’s a sea turtle’s favorite game? – Beakaboo.
• What did the taco say to the sea turtle? –  I like your shell.
• What do sea turtles do when one of them has a birthday? – They have a shell-ebration.
• What do turtles do best? – Slow dance.
• What do you get when you cross a flamingo with a terrapin? – A Bird-le.
• What is a Sea Turtles’ favorite sandwich? – Peanut butter and jellyfish.
• What’s the name for a sea turtle with 6 feet? – A 6 foot turtle.
• Where does a sea turtle go when it’s raining? – To find shell-ter.
• Did you know that sea turtles can also squirt ink? – Just Squidding!
• What does a sea turtle do during winter? – Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
• What do you call a sea turtle with six feet? – A cockroach.
• What kind of photos does a turtle take? – Slowfies
• What’s something a sea turtle can’t do when you put it on its back? – You have an answer? I can’t believe you’ve done this!

Turtle Puns 

If you think these turtle puns are shell-arious you’ll probably like some more puns. Bee puns and dog puns are covered.

• I’m in turtle awe of her talent. 
• You sturtled me!
• My friend and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday. It tortoise nothing.
• You’re shell-arious.
• Wear your shell-met!
• The trip to the duck pond was a turtle disaster.
• I’m not upset, just shell-shocked.
• I was a turtle in my past life. It’s slowly coming back to me.
• I’m looking for a book about turtles. I think it is a hard back. 
• I was told to stop eating fast food. I now just eat turtles.
• My uncle died from a turtle stampede. It was a slow death.
• Back in school, my favorite teacher was Mrs. Turtle. She had a funny name, but she tortoise well.
• Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
• These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
• I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle. I had a shell of a time.
• Have a turtle-riffic day!
• The turtle monk vowed to a life of shell-ebacy.
• That alter is used for sacrifi-shell offerings.
• You are the turtle package.
• You really bring me out of the shell.
• “We are a turtley perfect match.”
• I am not very so-shell.
• That was sturtling news.
• It’s from Aris-turtle.
• That commer-shell is so annoying!
• What’s the sub-turtle?

Share your favorite funny turtle jokes and puns in the comments.

For more giggly fun, check out these books:

• Knock-Knock Jokes for Kids (check it out on Amazon here) – Affiliate link
• Laugh-out-Loud Jokes for Kids (check it out on Amazon here) – Affiliate link
• National Geographic Kids Just Joking (check it out on Amazon here) – Affiliate link