Teaching Kids About Personal Space – Part 1
Teaching Kids About Personal Space – Part 1 originally appeared on July 13, 2012.
One of the very best things about M and M is that they LOVE. Oh boy do they love. They welcome everyone into their circle as instant friends, they always have. It’s a beautiful quality that I want to preserve, nurture and mimic.
All of that love can sometimes be overwhelming, especially to friends who aren’t quite as hands on. One of the lessons we practice often is respecting boundaries and personal space. We started when Big M was a toddler and I have a feeling we’ll be teaching our kids about personal space for long time to come. I get it… for someone who will always take a hug it’s hard to understand why someone wouldn’t want one. However, learning to understand what others like or don’t like is important. Learning how to read social cues is essential.
Teaching Kids About Personal Space – The Prep
Before we see friends (or in this case cousins) who we already know would prefer a quick wave to a bear hug we chat about boundaries.
- We talk about why we hug? Most likely because we like someone and want to make them happy. Knowing they don’t want a hug and still hugging makes them uncomfortable and that’s not the goal. What are some ways we can express love without a big hug?
- We discuss the importance of boundaries. Everyone has different comfort levels and everyone has the right to keep their boundaries protected.
- I haven’t tried it for this situation yet… but I’m sure a behavior book would be a powerful tool.
- I just found this great book called Personal Space Camp
 by Julia Cook. It shares a journey of a boy who learns strategies for respecting other peoples personal space. There is even a light bulb moment where he realizes how others might feel about him being in their space. (affiliate link)
 by Julia Cook. It shares a journey of a boy who learns strategies for respecting other peoples personal space. There is even a light bulb moment where he realizes how others might feel about him being in their space. (affiliate link)Teaching Kids About Personal Space – In the Moment
Sometimes the prep isn’t quite enough. One M or the other will be wrapped around the unsure recipient, hugging away.
- We gently remove the overeager hugger and ask some questions. “Do you think she wanted a hug?” “How do you know?”
- We talk about body language. “Did you notice how he moved when you hugged him?” “Did he hug you back?” “Did he pull his body away?” “What do you think that means?”
- We brainstorm solutions. “What are some other way’s you can let her know you are having fun?” “Can you think of three ways you could say goodbye? What is one way that would make you both happy?”
 Teaching Kids About Personal Space – The Follow Up
Every learning experience can be expanded on (hey I write a blog about that. 🙂 ). Once we’re on our way home or off to the next activity it’s the perfect time to reflect.
- We try to stick to the positive. “Hey, I noticed that you stopped hugging him right when he took a step back. You must have been noticing his body language telling you to back up a bit.”
- Talking about unrelated body language clues will help make the idea more concrete. “Did you see when she moved her seat closer to the music? What do you think that meant?”
Teaching kids to respect their friends personal space is important and so is teaching them to protect their own personal space. Which angle are you coming from? Do you have a little one who loves to hug or one that would prefer a little space?
Check out these 20 personal space activities for kids for hands on, playful ways of learning about personal space!
My husband and I are very involved with the Deaf community ( I am hearing and my husband is Deaf) and part of that is affection. In that culture people often hug when they’ve only met once sometimes even if they’ve been recently introduced. Our children are so used to this and being affectionate themselves have struggled with respecting boundaries at school (where they are sometimes hurt when others don’t hug back). Your post is a great way to really discuss this with our kids. They are already so aware of body language (BL and facial expression is a huge part of ASL) that this should definitely help them. Thanks!
Thank you so much for sharing. It’s so hard to curb loving behavior, but something we are constantly working on.
I think this is a great article!! I will definitely be using these tactics with my children (particularly my 9 year old autistic son who quite frequently does not recognize personal space boundaries!) Thank you!
You’re welcome. I would love to hear how it works with your son.
Jillian,
Oh, this is such a great post. 2 of my 4 boys LOVE to hug everyone. They are just really affectionate, which is awesome. But, I do notice how it can make some people uncomfortable and I’ve been wanting to discuss with them “boundaries” without squashing their sweet little hearts. Thanks you for these really great conversation starters. So very helpful.
Megan
I’m so glad it helps! “Without squashing their sweet little hearts” is always the goal isn’t it!
Gosh this is a good post. My son is very affectionate and sometimes when trying to make new friends he stands far too close to kids who don;t know him and they get scared (especially because he is big for his age). I am trying to teach him about taking a step back to respect their personal space so they have space to breath and don’t feel smothered. Your suggestions are really helpful. Thanks
You are very welcome!
You always have something relevant to the journey I’m enjoying with my 3 year old boy. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It really helps!
I’m so glad to hear that. Thank you!
Any ideas for the other side of this coin? My son has a friend at church that is very affectionate. Holding hands, hugging, wanting to sit very close to him. The part that disturbs me is it’s just towards him and no one else in their class! And they’ve only both just turned 7! I’ve explained to him that it’s best just to hug and hold hands with family, to keep it simple. I’ve asked other mommies in the church and the general consensus is she’s flirting with him. I’d approach her mom about it, but she’s not a very approachable person and if I were to try to correct her daughter, she (mom) would likely be very offended. Ideas on how to deal? Any advice is appreciated!
Yes Heather! I am working on a post about teaching kids to protect their boundaries. I will have it up soon (too much fun stuff happening this weekend. ;)) I’ll let you know when it’s up.
Jill
Thank you, Jillian! Looking forward to it! 🙂
I teach elementary students including special needs students. I often encounter this problem, and children with autism and other social skill problems often don’t even take enough time to read the body language. These students often do well with a “rule”. So, I tell them we don’t hug people if we don’t know their first name and haven’t seen them at least 3 times. This isn’t a cure all, but it eliminates hugging strangers, particularly adults. Some of my students would hug complete strangers which was a safety concern, and this “rule” has helped with that. It also gives me time to start working on conversations you mentioned, which are very good!
What a great idea creating a “rule”. I’m sure that makes it more concrete and easier for your students to understand such a confusing idea!
That’s a great idea. I have a 4 year old who has no boundaries and is not afraid of strangers. She often hugs people for no reason other than she wants a hug herself! lol I like the idea about using a concrete rule every time.
This is something we will be working on with our daughter. She has William’s Syndrome – and part of that diagnosis is no stranger danger. She only just turned 3. She will sit in strangers’ laps and put her arms up to be picked up by random people. She also says hi to everyone, and touches people. It’s sweet and cute…as well as worrisome. It’ll be a struggle teaching her boundaries, but it’s imperative. Repetition and rules will be the technique.
This is really great- thank you!
You are very welcome. 🙂
Thanks for some great ideas! My 28 month old dtr loves to kiss and cuddle goodbye, but she has a couple of little friends who aren’t so keen. So you have helped me think about how to talk with her about it. Thanks again, and I am also pinning this!
Thank you for pinning! I would love to hear how the talking goes.
I was JUST having a similar conversation with my cuddly, affectionate and friendly 2.5 year old. I’ll definitely be putting your ideas to good use. Pinning this!
Thank you. 🙂