Conflict Resolution for Kids | 7 Steps to Help Siblings Resolve Conflict
At a glance: A simple parenting tool that teaches conflict resolution for kids.
The kids are screaming at each other, she’s fuming… he’s close to tears. I just walked into the room and I have no idea what’s happening.
The last thing I want to do is take sides.
Luckily I don’t have to.
I have more than one kid, which means I know conflict is bound to happen. They are a normal part of life. I also know that the way disputes are resolved impacts much more than just this one intense moment.
These moments of tension with their siblings… the siblings that will love them no matter what, the siblings who will forgive them quickly, the siblings who see them at their worst but still light up when they come home…
It’s those moments that really teach our kids how to disagree without breaking relationships. How to participate in healthy relationships.
Every conflict becomes real-life training. Beautiful life experiences.
And that means… instead of being the referee we get to be the guide.
7 Steps to Conflict Resolution for Kids
Now that you know why conflict resolution for kids is so important, all you need are the steps to follow when the next conflict arises.
I’ve broken it down into 7 simple conflict resolution steps.
Step 1: Remove the item from EVERYBODY involved. (This is a really, really important step in conflict resolution.) Kids tend to feel ownership over anything they are physically touching. And when they feel ownership they will be less likely to work on the problem.
If the item is big, like a swing or bike then everyone should be scooted away from it. If the item is small, move it far enough away that no one can reach it.
Step 2: Identify the Problem. You’ll want to help the kids break down the problem into simple terms. This is also the point when you take out the emotions and hit the root of the problem.
You can do this by simply ignoring emotional arguments and asking direct questions. “Who wants this shovel?” “The shovel is mine! He always takes my things! I hate him!”
“Oh, I see. You want this shovel. Does anyone else want this shovel?” “I want the shovel!”
“You want the shovel. I hear that. Does anyone else want this shovel?” The response, a shrug with a timid point toward her brother.
“Ah, he wants the shovel too. So the problem is that you want this shovel and he wants this shovel. Is that the problem?” Once the first kid agrees, clear it with the second kid. “Is the problem that you want this shovel and he wants this shovel?”
Extra tip: Some problems cause such an extreme emotional state that it’s important to address the anger before starting on this step. This post has simple ways to work through anger –> Anger Management for Kids. Move one once everyone has the chance to calm down.
Step 3: Ask for a solution. As adults, we are really quick to jump in with solutions to our kids’ problems… calling all referees 😉
For this parenting trick to work, you are just going to have to bite your tongue. I promise you will be so impressed with the brilliant solutions young kids can come up with … without adult help. The added bonus is that you don’t have to take sides, a win for everyone!
All the kids need in this step of conflict resolution is a little guidance and some time to think. “Now that we know what the problem is, all we have to do is find a solution.” Direct your question to one kid first. “What solution can you think of for this problem?”
Step 4: Repeat the solution. It doesn’t matter what your kid says, it’s a solution. It might not be a working solution, but it is an idea that should be respected.
“Oh, okay. Your solution is that you play with the shovel all day and he digs with his hands.”
Once she confirms that is what she suggested the other kid gets a chance. “She suggested that she will use the shovel all day and you can dig with your hands…does that work for you?”
Step 5: Another solution. Because the two kids are working together to solve a problem they always have the right to refuse a solution. It needs to be done in a respectful way.
“No, that idea does not work for me.”
You will then acknowledge their right to decline the offer and ask them to offer up their own ideas. “That idea doesn’t work for you. What solution can you think of?”
***Important note. This part of the process can go on for a long time, but the outcome is worth the effort. If you come to a standoff in your brainstorming and solutions are not coming, simply take a break. “I’ll tell you what, I have to go over here for a bit, you to keep thinking. When you have a solution that works for both of you I would love to hear it.” MAKE SURE TO TAKE THE TOY OR ITEM WITH YOU!***
Step 6: The solution. Eventually, one of two things will happen; one kid will decide they don’t care that much about the item and agree to anything. Or one kid will come up with a solution that brings an instant smile to their face. (This is the moment they realize just how brilliant they are!)
Once the other kid agrees all that’s left is the confirmation.
Step 7: Repeat the problem and solution… just to make sure everyone understands. “So the problem was that he wanted the shovel and she wanted the shovel. The solution that you both agree on is that he will play with the shovel until his hole is done and then he will bring it over to you. Is that correct?”
The beauty of conflict resolution is that since the kids came up with the solution they are far more likely to stick to it.
You should still pay attention and ensure both kids are sticking to the agreement but 9.5 times out of 10 everyone will walk away happy.
Now when you walk in and find her fuming… and him close to tears, you just might feel a bit excited to try out being the guide.
Printable Conflict Resolution Steps
Click here and I’ll send these 7 steps to conflict resolution for kids right on over to you!
Click here to get your printable Conflict Resolution Steps.For more Positive Sibling Solutions
I once watched a Montessori teacher use a similar strategy to yours. I was amazed at how it worked but have forgotten the ‘steps’ with the passage of time. Thanks for writing this out!
I love this idea for conflict resolution and will print out the idea to have it on hand for our next dispute. I would suggest one more outcome…they forget what they were fighting over and start playing something else.
I am a child and adolescent mental health counselor and I spend a LOT of my time working with the parents. I love your stuff and have begun to refer parents to your site for those that have access to the internet. (I work with disadvantaged youth and families) Thank you for all your help!!!
Katrina,
Thank you so much. I’m touched that you find my information useful and that you are passing along my site.
As an early childhood professional working in the field for over 15 years I am so pleased to see a parent posting such a quality response for other parents. Kudos to you and to those trying to follow this technique. If you are able to follow through consistently, you will be rewarded with children who are adept problem solvers and able to resolve conflicts with both peers and adults. These are social and thought processing skills that will serve your child well into the future!
Thank you Jennifer! This comment really makes my day… and I totally agree!
this is brilliant! thank you for sharing and breaking it down into specific step-by-step detail and dialogue. i’m actually “looking forward” to a conflict to see if it works!
It is so AWESOME when you feel armed and ready for conflict! I can’t wait to hear how it goes.
Wow. I love this! I was an only child growing up, but I have three children of my own and do not get all the bickering and squabbling at all. This is going to help me. I love the idea of posting it on the fridge.
It’s a really empowering tool…I can’t wait to hear how it works at your house.
Awesome! Can I print this and put it on my fridge?
YES! YES! YES!
hmm I have never tried this one with my twins….we have always used take turns for two minutes. I will definitely try this one out soon! Thanks!
I hope you find it to be as helpful as I have. Come back and tell me how it went!
Thank you so much for breaking it down step by step. I feel more armed now the next time I have my two nephews with me and they start arguing and fighting.
You are very welcome! I would love to hear how it works with your nephews.